This past weekend I met a woman that had three kids 4 year old twins & a 14 month old. In all of these kids lives, they have never had a bottle. This woman breast fed her twins until they were 19 months old, and is still breast feeding her 14 month old. This amazes me on so many levels. I am taken back by the commitment of such a task, especially with twins. I pumped with my Josie for 6 months & that gave me a supply to last almost a year. I tried to breast feed with Doug, and only made it 3 months before losing my milk supply. I really wanted to go longer, not 19 months, but maybe 6 or more. The dedication is astonishing to me. Also, at the same gathering I met another woman that is said to be a mother that does it all, by that I mean, she has taken on the role of a stay at home mother & wife. She does all the housekeeping. She takes care of all the children's needs. She tends to her husband as he requests. This makes me think about my role as a stay at home mother & wife. I do get help from my husband. He did help with feedings. He loads the dishwasher very well. I wonder how these woman do it? How do they take care of it all and with a smile? I know, I know, I am only seeing the side that was given to me, and things may be different at home; However, these woman seem to enjoy their jobs, and not the type to complain. They seem happy.
I have always wanted to be a stay at home mother & wife , as long as I can remember. When I worked in an office, I never felt at peace with what I did, & I always assumed that when the day came to become a SAHM, I would embrace it. I would be good at it. I would do it all with a smile on my face. This is not the case at all. I still very much want that, but I struggle everyday emotionally to live up to that fairytale standard. I blame it on depression, or ADD, or not having the time, or being tired. I am running out of excuses. I have the mind set started, but I can never seem to give myself that extra push to motivate myself to get up & get shit taken care of.
I feel strongly that a part of my job is to play & interact with the kids. I hate having the television on all the time. I have started to keep it on more and more, which makes no sense, because my kids are old enough to play together now. I have been focusing more on my house... but have I? I look around & see so much to do. I get sick of cleaning the kitchen all day long. I get sick of laundry, I am tired of my boring routine. Or maybe that's it, I don't have a good routine (other than standing in the kitchen all day) .
I always make excuses for those perfect mothers, like oh, well they must not be in charge of bills too, or I'm sure she never leaves the house, or she ....
I know they are not perfect & I know that I will never be either, but I wish that I was not so hard on myself. I wish that I was more confident in my position as a mother & wife. I strive to have my house clean enough, so I won't be embarrassed if someone accidental opens my bedroom door instead of my bathroom. Then the other part of me thinks who cares, and fuck 'em , but the problem is deep down i do.
BUT... after all of this I have to go back to the fact , that I have good kids. Yes, my son is driving me nuts right now, but hes almost 2 & he is a BOY. I am not used to that. My GIRL is polite, respectful, caring, and they best big sister & daughter. My BOY looks up to her, and is learning from her actions. I AM confident that he will break out of his 2's with manners .
SO... I guess, its me that needs to make that jump mentally & step up where I know I am slacking. I need to be confident in myself & stop judging me by other woman & mothers. If I do this, I will be happy.I need to remember that what works for one person, does not work for another. I am glad that Paul was able to experience giving our kids bottles. I am glad he loads the dishwasher. I am glad to be able to stay at home & play with my kids, teach them morals & respect. Yes, we may struggle a bit to make it all happen, but its worth it when you see & enjoy the end result.
No comments:
Post a Comment