what to expect

when i was pregnant with josie, everything was new and exciting. when we went to the nurse appointment, and they went over all to expect & to avoid, i swear i took notes and listened carefully to every word. every word except the miscarriage statistic 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. i skipped over that assuming that it was just something that they had to say, and never thought that it may happen to me. well, for that pregnancy it did not. i spent my days relaxing (cause they said not to do to much) , and watching paul scrub the toilets (cause i was not supposed to use cleaning supplies), and simply following my pregnancy on about.com. life was good. i had no worries.

when i was pregnant for the second time, it was another surprise, and this time i was not as thrilled. in fact i cried , because it was not what i had planned in my head. but after going in for the confirmation of pregnancy & getting used to the idea, i was genuinely excited. due to the fact that i was not sure of the 1st day of my last period, cause my body was still adjusting post breastfeeding, my doctor wanted to do an ultrasound to find out the approximate due date. we waited till we thought i was about 6 weeks, and went in for the ultrasound. at that time we were told that our unborn child had a hole in the heart, and a mass of skin on its neck. later the doctor called to explain that these things indicated that the baby had down syndrome, or a number of other possible abnormalities. it was suggested that we do sequential screening to see the severity of these. we could not do the screening until i was between 11 - 12 weeks, which meant we had a long wait & a ton of mental torture to endure for 5 + weeks. so many things went thru our heads. then finally after weeks of agony - it was time for the ultrasound. immediately we found out that the heart had stopped beating.  what i thought was a random statistic had become my reality with a horrible twist. not only did i miscarry, but i had to be tortured for 5 weeks prior.

my third pregnancy, i was nervous, but had the calming thought of the odds being in my favor for it not to happen again. i went for a 6 week ultrasound - for peace of mind, and i got it. we were able to hear the heartbeat, & everything looked perfect. 33 weeks later, i gave birth to a healthy baby boy dougie.

now, in my fourth pregnancy, a pregnancy that was perfectly planned and i have been really excited for, i am a nervous wreck. i did have a 6 week ultrasound again, but this time the baby measured closer to 5 weeks, and yes there was a visual on a heartbeat, but not much else could be seen , due to the fact that the baby was less than 2 mm at the time. we have decided to do the sequential screening again this time, mostly because i want another ultrasound that will be covered by the insurance, but also obviously because of what happened in my 2nd pregnancy. i need to see. i need to hear the heart beat, and be sure everything looks good.  i am 11 weeks now, & i am terrified for my appointment that is coming up next week. not only am i playing mind games with myself, but i have had multiple bad dreams. if you know me, then you know that my dreams have meaning. i have been feeling pregnant, which is good, since in hindsight, i really was not having pregnancy symptoms when i had my miscarriage. however, i read to much into them, thinking that my migraines and nausea are from stress, and being tired is from just being exhausted with life.  part of me wants to go to the doctors today and ask them to look for a heartbeat. the other part of me thinks i am being paranoid, and i need to relax and wait for monday, & all will be fine.  i keep announcing my pregnancy , then thinking to myself what if something happens. not that i would not want anyone to know, but  just because.