In my last post I mentioned not being afraid of the truth. Could you imagine if people told only the full truth all the time? There is the movie about that, not a good movie, but at least someone else had the same thought as I. As of late I have been overwhelmed, scattered, depressed, sick, the list goes on. when I say as of late, I mean for a long ass time now. There are so many things that make up the how , and reasons behind the things listed. I can't write a book on it tonight, but I want to touch on two things, Truth & Friendship.
I have a neighbor or I should say had a neighbor. He committed suicide almost 4 years ago. He in hind sight was said to have suffered with depression for some time prior to him taking his life. His wife & son were left in shock and sadness. she knew he was down but not to the point of suicide. I will never forget, Doug was only a few weeks old,I am pretty sure I heard the shot.
How can we expect others to be concerned about us if we are not honest with the ones closest to us? At the same time, society takes the word depression very lightly now a days. many of my friends and family often joke about the pills they take , as if its funny. I am sure no one is laughing. Everyone is putting on a front, as not to sound as needy or as bad off as the other.
What is nice to have is a significant other or a best friend that you can talk with. someone that knows that you are not being truthful to yourself, or to them, but finds a way to make you fight through it. someone that steps up , even if they are overwhelmed themselves. someone who is not afraid to call your bluff. someone how is not afraid to act on you denying the bluff, and be there for you anyway. a friend like this can be far and few between and when you lose one it hurts.
I am always that friend (or at least I think Iam) to most people in my life. I try to help even when it means i am over doing myself. even when i have other commitments. i help. its what i do. it is what i feel is right. i will give you my last dime, if it means helping you in a time of need. I have found that some people will give right back and it can become a beautiful turn table of a friendship. I have also found that some people just keep holding out there hands and say keep it coming, with out an ounce of gratitude.
I hate that I am this way sometimes because I expect that others will also go out of there way the same that I do for them. it hurts when i need help or support and i dont get it. i have many wonderful people in my life. so many wonderful people that live busy fast paced lives , just like the rest of the world. sometimes its hard to stop and look around and see that the world does not revolve around just you.
its like when you experience a tragedy like the loss of a loved one. your world stops, and you expect that the rest of the world does also. but it does not. life goes on, and soon you do to, but sometimes if you pause to long, it is hard to fast forward to catch up to the rest of the world. - that statement in itself raises a good question. why do we have to catch up? why can't we step off the fast track and stop to enjoy the scenery?
my life is very hectic. i cover things up and joke about the chaos of 3 kids, and running around , and a dirty house, & .... but the truth is, I am surviving. I get by day to day,but it is not easy. I have given up on trying to catch up with everyone, but cant even stop to enjoy myself, without getting trampled. I keep looking forward, knowing one day it will be better. i try to think about all the wonderful people in my life that have left this world to soon, and what they would say to me. Life if too short to get this caught up in things . that is the truth, & i know it, but it can be hard to remember on a daily basis.
i once had someone in my life that would see through my BS. they would not joke and say - hey its life we are all busy. or make the chaos turned depression into a joke, they would be there for me. be there for me without judgment. everyone deserves to have a friend or a partner in there lives like that. it hurts that something out of my control has ruined it.
I am not saying i don't have great family and friends around me, because i do. everyone in my life that I keep close is there for me in one way or another. sometimes more than they know, and sometimes to remind me of my strengths.
the truth can hurt. it can hurt yourself, and others. by telling the truth you are allowing venerability, you allow yourself to admit something to others that was once just an idea in your head. by admitting and allowing yourself to be venerable. you are opening yourself up to other peoples thought and opinions. this can often hurt or aggravate the situation, at which point you have to allow yourself to filter the truth from others, and keep their BS out of your truth. - However, if you are lucky enough to have that one person in your life that is there for you, they tend to filter things for you. they will embrace the truth and make you confront the BS head on.
i am simply admitting my truth to myself, i miss my friend, and all that they would do for me. i wish things were different, but I can not fix what is not mine, i can only hope that one day they will find all the missing pieces & glue them back together. my truth is that i am also broken, i need to stop trying to fix everyone else and work on me first. my second truth is i hope my someone is not gone. i hope to have a someone, even two.
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