Free write #5

Because I have not written in so long and I don't know where to begin, i have decided to just start typing and see where it leads. Life has been such a whirl wind over the past oh i don't know 7 years. selling the condo not selling the condo being pregnant, having a baby and selling the condo and moving, having a miscarriage , having another baby, and then a 3rd. HA - and the babies are not the half of it. that is what is weird about it. they are my whole life, but my whole life is not them. make sense? i have slowly started to see the light, the light that is Nicol. She has been lost for a while. Paul and I just graduated from therapy. Seriously. Between his anxiety, and my  postpartum after my near death delivery with Madison, we needed some help focusing on the positives of our selves and our relationship. It was a great experience and I would go back in a second. I am a nice person. I am a nice person with ADD. seriously.  I really am nice. sometimes overly nice to people that i don't even know. but at the same time I don't have a filter and can say things to honest if you will. i have had a lot of great friends. i have also lost a few. i am at at point in my life that i can't deal with drama. it is too draining. its just not what i am about. i once walked away from a friendship . it was about 7 years ago. i went from a best friend to an enemy (not by choice - drama i tell you drama) I walked away. I have not really looked back. (an occasional glance, but not a full look) I thought i was beyond that now that I am in my mid 30s but over the past few years i have fell victim to childish drama again, and once again. the funny thing is that none of the times have been my fault. no, i am not 100% innocent, but the real fault in the 2nd instance came from a 3rd party. a 3rd party drama that i knew nothing of for a year.. crazy woman. now that same 3rd party defriended me. (not just on face book but in real life too) i tried to make things right - like i always do, its something that must be embedded in me from being a middle child. Do you know what I was told? I was too nice and they did not need that kind of niceness in their life. yup you read that right. too nice. wtf? all i really want , is a couple of good friends. that all get along , that i can plan a girls trip with, that we have fantastic memories, and are there for each other in the craziness of our lives. is that to much to ask? 
(BIG SIGH) apparently that whole friendship thing has been bothering me. I have been though to much misery and loss to dwell on things to long. life is definitely  to short. i do what i can to enjoy it and not complain. this is my life, and i want it to be a good one. i don't want people to see me as a bitch, or fun Governor. i want to be happy and laugh (sometimes cry) - but over all just enjoy the moments. 
I am not perfect. i struggle daily, but i also survive daily. i try to leave the negative behind and move forward. i used to get overwhelmed if a task was not done, or i forgot something. but now i have learned to let it go. Just like Elsa! ha ha. i love my shit head kids. the oldest has no patience, the middle is an ass, and the baby is a brat. - apparently my awesome parenting skills have created those lovable monsters! really though, they are good kids. i cant imagine my life without them. they are the reason i get out of bed every morning - literally. i am going to write more. i know i say that and a year goes by... i really am going to try - get off the facebook on the daily, and journal. it will b e good practice for writing papers for my masters. yup gonna do that too. but right now i am going to go to bed... 

p.s this is me working out at the gym!